» Memorable Quotes

JERRY LEWIS’ 1963 JEKYLL & HYDE COMEDY THE NUTTY PROFESSOR

Uranium Willy — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 11:19:24 +0000

THE NUTTY PROFESSOR

1963/Director: Jerry Lewis/Writers: Jerry Lewis and Bill Richmond

Cast: Jerry Lewis, Stella Stevens, Del Moore, Kathleen Freeman, Med Flory, Norman Alden, Howard Morris, Elvia Allman, Skip Ward, Henry Gibson

When most people think of Jerry Lewis, if he is thought about much anymore at all, they probably remember him as the goofy half of the Hal Wallis managed Martin and Lewis comedy team and for his work with the Muscular Dystrophy Association. What many people do not realize is the body of work Lewis did behind the camera as producer, writer and director as well as a developer of technogloies still used today. One is the directors video assist system, once referred to as “Jerry’s noisy toy” that he basically invented and owns the patent to after having worked in the television medium in the 60’s. Lewis has become an object of ridicule in the last couple decades and his often crass behavior and sexist and anti-gay remarks have done little to endear him to our newer world. I don’t really care about any of that and I think he is a sadly forgotten talent.

Martin and Lewis split up in 1956 with no love loss between them and Lewis fulfilled his contractual agreements with Wallis and starred in a hand full of decent films, in my opinion, such as The Delicate Delinquent, The Geisha Boy and the first film he had some behind the camera control over Cinderfella. Lewis teamed up with scriptwriter Bill Richmond and together under contract with Paramount Pictures they turned out what would be regarded as his best work not only as a slapstick comedian but as a director as well. These included The Bellboy, The Errand Boy, The Patsy, The Ladies Man (another of my favorites), and the subject of this post his masterpiece, The Nutty Professor. The only reference I am going to make about the Eddie Murphy remake (which Lewis co-produced) is that I just did not think it was either as funny or as dark as the Lewis original. And the original definitely had a dark undercurrent to it.

The story is a retelling of the Jekyll and Hyde theme, where a quiet and soft spoken man of science finds a formula for breaking down his inhibitions giving him the power to do all the things his weaker but nobler other half can only dream about. Lewis plays the gangly toothed Professor Julius Kelp who is always drawing the ire of school administrators like Dr. Warfield (Del Moore) by blowing up his classrooms. He ticks off a bully in his classroom and is humiliated in front of all the students and in particular the buxom Stella Purdy (Stella Stevens). As is typical of films of the period all the college students here look like they are all about thirty years old. Kelp tries pumping iron at the local gym but it becomes obvious he is gong to have to rely on his brains, and not his brawn, to find a solution to his self-esteem issues.

He develops a formula that transforms him not into a murderous Mr. Hyde, but rather into the asinine and boorish Buddy Love. While Lewis as denied it most people feel the Buddy Love character is a caustic characterization of both Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra’s less charming aspects. Others have said the persona of Buddy Love is actually the onscreen Jerry Lewis showing the real Jerry Lewis to the world. It may be that all of the above are true. The character of Buddy Love is simply so unlikable that is uncomfortable to watch some of the scenes. While the character of Kelp is funny and inoffensive, Buddy Love is the epitome of ego and vulgarity. The problem here is though a royal ass he is soon charming Miss Purdy and wining over the local teen crowd at the Purple Pit. The potion wears off of course and at the worst times, such as when Buddy is performing a decent version of That Old Black Magic and when his about to round 2nd Base with Stella.

As with the original Jekyll and Hyde story the good half the equation has a choice about whether or not to imbibe in the concoction or not, but not only does Kelp continue to take the potion but he consumes more in order that the effects can last longer and he can remain the cool and self-absorbed Buddy Love. In the end the potion wears off while Buddy is performing at the school dance and Kelp must publicly confess his selfish actions and admit that one has to be themselves even that self is not someone we want to be.

A couple extra things I liked the film. One is the outstanding sets and production design. The transformation scene is filled bright colors of spilled chemicals and various camera angles. The scenes of test tubes and beakers filled with multi-colored chemicals is stylized and plain nice to just look at. The interior of the Purple Pit is lush and posh and is a lounge lizard’s paradise.

The other thing is the wardrobe. It is something in a film I always pay attention to actually. The costumes here where designed by the legendary fashion deva Edith Head who was parodied as Edna Mode in the cartoon The Incredibles. Buddy’s suits are simply wicked and vile, and Stella Steven causes palpitations in a scene where Professor Kelp imagines her in different forms of dress, from a tennis player to a woman of the world in a well fitting red dress. Sadly most people I have known dismiss the original Lewis gem and have claimed to go into laugh fits watching Eddie Murphy fluctuate in the remake. The original is a great movie and is more than a comedy really. It would not be long before the studios an aging Lewis as no longer whacky and funny. It does not really matter as he did some great work after he and Martin split and The Nutty professor may well be his best, but I certainly recommend all the other films he co-wrote with Bill Richmond.

Edith Head and Edna Mode

Buddy Love: Hiya, chicky baby. How’s it going?
Stella Purdy: Fine.
Buddy Love: Crazy. I thought I’d visit your little land of learning. Cute. Cute pad.
Stella Purdy: What happened to you last night? What’d you run away like that for? I thought you saw a ghost or something.
Buddy Love: Oh yeah. How ’bout that? Well, that’s why I stopped by. I thought I’d lay it on ya, but this ain’t the place to talk. What do you say we meet later at the Purple Pit? We can talk better there.
Stella Purdy: Well, I dunno. You’re pretty weird, you know, and I don’t want…
Buddy Love: Chi-chi. Ten o’ clock?
Stella Purdy: Perfect.
Buddy Love: Figures.

Buddy Love: I know what you’re thinking: Where’s he been all my life? Right?
Stella Purdy: No, not exactly.
Buddy Love: And that you’re happy with the way I handled those three goons, right? Well, normally I would’ve belted them, but I didn’t want to muss myself all up and have you dance with a sloppy guy. Dig?
Stella Purdy: Well then, you restrained yourself just for little old me.
Buddy Love: I knew you’d appreciate it. I do a lot of nice things.
Stella Purdy: Well, is that really the case or is this line 27-a for young college girls?
Buddy Love: Aww, now you see? You went and done it. For one of the rare times in my life when I dig down into the soul, and you doubt my veracity. Well, that hurts.
Stella Purdy: Well, it’s not your veracity that I doubt.
[pause]
Stella Purdy: The music stopped.
Buddy Love: Yeah, I heard.

Buddy Love: They’re nice kids. All nice. All nice kids. They have very, very good taste, I might add.
Stella Purdy: I’m glad. It would be a shame to waste the genius of yours on the riff-raff.
Buddy Love: Well, honey, I always say, if you’re good and you know it, why waste time beating around the bush, true?
Stella Purdy: And I always say that to love yourself is the beginning of a life-long romance. And after watching you, I know that you and you will be very happy together.
Buddy Love: Just a minute, sweetheart. I don’t recall dismissing you.
Stella Purdy: You rude, discourteous egomaniac!
Buddy Love: You’re crazy about me, right? And I can understand it. Only this morning, looking in the mirror before shaving, I enjoyed seeing what I saw so much I couldn’t tear myself away.
[kisses his hand]
Buddy Love: Have some, baby?

Purple Pit Bartender: What’ll it be?
Buddy Love: Aww… That’s no way to talk. Tsk, tsk, tsk. “What’ll it be?” That’s no way to treat a customer. C’mere. Try it like this. Pay attention. You’ll feel better and the customers’ll be happier. Try this: “What’ll it be? Hmmm?” Try that. Come on. We haven’t got all night. Try it.
Purple Pit Bartender: What’ll it be? Hmmm?
Buddy Love: Good! That was wonderful. Did anyone ever tell you you couldn’t sing?

Buddy Love: Have some, baby?

Buddy Love: Here y’are, baby. Take this, wipe the lipstick off, slide over here next to me, and let’s get started.

Gym Attendant: Are you hurt?
Professor Julius Kelp: Well, if a man with an ulcer and a splinter in his finger and a nail in his foot was then struck by lightning, if you could say that man was not hurt then yes you could say I’m not hurt.

Dr. Hamius R. Warfield: Kelp, it’s human nature. Kelp, people just don’t like teachers blowing up their kids!

Dr. Hamius R. Warfield: Now try to understand that I understand, that scientists and creators have their little eccentricities. Einstein hated hair cuts, Da Vinci love to paint, and Newton…
Professor Julius Kelp: He had something to do with figs, didn’t he?

Dr. Hamius R. Warfield: Warfield finishes with papers handed to him by secretary Lemmon… Where’s your pad?
Millie Lemmon: Oh it’s not quite a mile from campus. It’s a small flat, but you should see what I did with the drapes! Oh! You meant my steno pad. I’ll be right back with it.
Dr. Hamius R. Warfield: Never mind, what is it?
Millie Lemmon: Mr. Buddy Love is hear to see you, and is he ever a gasser! Should I have him come in?
Dr. Hamius R. Warfield: If you can do so without fainting.

All quotes from The Nutty Professor page at IMDB.

TERRENCE MALICK’S LAZY PACED KILLING SPREE FILM: BADLANDS

Uranium Willy — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 13:52:37 +0000

BADLANDS

1975/Director: Terrence Malick/ Writer: Terrence Malick

Cast: Martin Sheen, Sissy Spacek, Warren Oates, Ramon Bieri, Alan Vint, Gary Little John, John Carter

Terrence Malick has never been a director I cared much for though he is considered a great film maker by the deep meaning of life crowd. Since the 1970’s he has only put out four full length films and those are often lauded as masterpieces. Well, I just cannot relate to them. I simply could not finish The New World, the John Smith, Pocahontas story with Colin Farrell. It was so excruciatingly dull and long. I liked The Thin Red Line in a general way, but I felt he took a great war novel by James Jones and turned it into the type of thing he is known for, an introspective and meandering view into the conflicts of the human soul. Well, that is all fine and dandy but I really wanted an exciting war movie and maybe one that was a little more pro-American than what has been coming out in the last decade or two. Instead there was this transcendental trip into the human psyche that I did not care for and found it a little pretentious . His directing style seems to be the complaint a lot of people have with Badlands, that it has lost the impact it once had as a unique film and is in fact boring and plodding (as Malick tends to become). In fact in this case it is the spacey, lazy pacing of the film that appeals to me the most, along with the great performances by Martin Sheen and Sissy Spacek.

Based loosely on the real life killing spree of Charles Starkweather and Caril Fugate across Nebraska and middle America during the late 50′s the film follows the ruthless exploits of Kit and Holly as they roam the badlands of South Dakota and kill most everyone who gets in their path. The Starkweather/Fugate story has been retold many times in film before and after Badlands. It is not a remarkable film especially and yet it seems to stand apart from the other boy/girl killing spree films in that there is not a tinge of humor or optimism in the film. Even the ending with Holly getting probation (contrary to the real Caril Fugate who was still in prison at the time of the movie’s making) does not seem to offer anything uplifting, and in fact the fact she escaped some form of justice at all seems depressing. The direction and cinematography are slow and colorless. The movie does seem to fall short of what it could have been. But it is the performances by Sheen and Spacek that make this film worth seeing and deserving of a recommendation from the Café.

Kit Carruthers has had it with dead end jobs and fathers who stand between him and his gal. Holly Sargis seems lack-a-daisical and without rudders as she watches Kit shoot her dad (played by Warren Oats) and then tags along for the ride after he burns their house down. Okay, she did slap him. She voices her confusion and halfhearted disapproval of Kit’s murders but stays in the car seat until the cops corner them a in helicopter. Neither seem to care or have any remorse for the people they leave behind them dead, but they do not glorify their deeds either. They seem to see it has doing what had to be done until they were stopped. The killings are cold and sometimes pointless but well acted and filmed.

It is the best of Malick’s films in my opinion and the dreamy, spacey, artsy quality that distances me from his other work is what attracts me to this one. A young and lean Martin Sheen is a killer who is never really menacing but is as remorseless as a snake, and Sissy Spacek is excellent as the lost waif with nothing better to do. My review may sound loaded with ambiguity, but to be clear, I likes this film and I will see it again. If you have only seen The New World then please check out Badlands and see what Rhodes scholar Terrence Malick should have continued to do with his film work. People praise his films as deep and full of the mysteries. I see them as sominex in digital format except for this low budget classic.

Memorable quotes from Badlands. All quotes from IMDB:

Kit Carruthers: I’ll give you a dollar if you eat this collie.

Holly Sargis: At this moment, I didn’t feel shame or fear, but just kind of blah, like when you’re sitting there and all the water’s run out of the bathtub.

Kit Carruthers: You Tired?
Holly Sargis: Yeah.
Kit Carruthers: Yeah, you look tired… Listen, honey. when all this is over, I’m going to sit down and buy you a big, thick steak.
Holly Sargis: I don’t want a steak.
Kit Carruthers: Well, we’ll see about that… Hey, lookie.

Holly Sargis: [a while after shot friend Kato] How is he?
Kit Carruthers: I got him in the stomach.
Holly Sargis: Is he upset?
Kit Carruthers: He didn’t say nothing to me about it.

Holly Sargis: One day, while taking a look at some vistas in Dad’s stereopticon, it hit me that I was just this little girl, born in Texas, whose father was a sign painter, who only had just so many years to live. It sent a chill down my spine and I thought where would I be this very moment, if Kit had never met me? Or killed anybody… this very moment… if my mom had never met my dad… if she had never died. And what’s the man I’ll marry gonna look like? What’s he doing right this minute? Is he thinking about me now, by some coincidence, even though he doesn’t know me? Does it show on his face? For days afterwards I lived in dread. Sometimes I wished I could fall asleep and be taken off to some magical land, and this never happened.

Holly Sargis: He needed me now more than ever, but something had come between us. I’d stopped even paying attention to him. Instead I sat in the car and read a map and spelled out entire sentences with my tongue on the roof of mouth where nobody could read them.

Holly Sargis: [Last lines of the film] Kit and I were taken back to South Dakota. They kept him in solitary, so he didn’t have a chance to get acquainted with the other inmates, though he was sure they’d like him, especially the murderers. Myself, I got off with probation and a lot of nasty looks. Later I married the son of the lawyer who defended me. Kit went to sleep in the courtroom while his confession was being read, and he was sentenced to die in the electric chair. On a warm spring night, six months later, after donating his body to science, he did.

Kit Carruthers: Sir… Where’d you get that hat?
Trooper: State.
Kit Carruthers: Boy, I’d like to buy me one of those.
Trooper: [the trooper smiles] You’re quite an individual, Kit.
Kit Carruthers: Think they’ll take that into consideration?

Kit Carruthers: Hey, I found a toaster.

TRAVIS BICKLE SPEAKS: QUOTES FROM TAXI DRIVER

Uranium Willy — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:24:59 +0000

TAXI DRIVER QUOTES

One of these days I gotta get myself organizized

Personnel Officer: (phone rings loudly) Harry, answer that.

Personnel Officer: So whaddya want to hack for, Bickle?

Travis Bickle: I can’t sleep nights.

Personnel Officer: There’s porno theaters for that.

Travis Bickle: Yeah, I know, I tried that.

Personnel Officer: So now what do you do?

Travis Bickle: I ride around most nights – subways, buses – but you know, if I’m gonna do that I might as well get paid for it.

Personnel Officer: So what is it? Do you need a second job? Are you moonlighting?

Travis Bickle: I… I just want to work long hours. What’s moonlighting?

Personnel Officer: Wanna work uptown nights? South Bronx? Harlem?

Travis Bickle: I’ll work anytime, anywhere.

Personnel Officer: Will you work Jewish holidays?

Travis Bickle: Anytime, anywhere.

>Travis Bickle: You’re a young girl, you should be at home. You should be dressed up, going out with boys, going to school, you know, that kind of stuff.

>Travis Bickle: Shit… I’m waiting for the sun to shine.

>Travis Bickle: Thank God for the rain to wash the trash off the sidewalk.

>Travis Bickle: The idea had been growing in my brain for some time: TRUE force. All the king’s men cannot put it back together again.

>Travis Bickle: You’re only as healthy as you feel.

Travis Bickle: One of these days I gotta get myself organizized.

Betsy: Organizized? Dont you mean organized?

Travis Bickle: No, organizized. It’s a joke.

Betsy: Oh, like those signs that says, “Thimk”.

Sport: See ya later, copper!

Travis Bickle: I’m no cop, man.

Sport: Well, if you are, than it’s entrapment already.

Travis Bickle: I think someone should just take this city and just… just flush it down the fuckin’ toilet.

>Travis Bickle: The days go on and on… they don’t end. All my life needed was a sense of someplace to go. I don’t believe that one should devote his life to morbid self-attention, I believe that one should become a person like other people.

>Travis Bickle: June twenty-ninth. I gotta get in shape. Too much sitting has ruined my body. Too much abuse has gone on for too long. From now on there will be 50 pushups each morning, 50 pullups. There will be no more pills, no more bad food, no more destroyers of my body. From now on will be total organization. Every muscle must be tight.

Personnel Officer: How’s your driving record? Clean?

Travis Bickle: It’s clean, real clean. Like my conscience.

>Travis Bickle: All the animals come out at night – whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets.

>Wizard: You get a job. You become the job.

>Travis Bickle: Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is a man who stood up.

>Passenger: Have you ever seen what a .44 Magnum will do to a woman’s pussy? Now that you should see. What a .44 Magnum will do to a woman’s pussy that you should see?

>Passenger: I’m gonna kill her with a .44 Magnum.

>Travis Bickle: Now I see this clearly. My whole life is pointed in one direction. There never has been a choice for me.

>Travis Bickle: I got some bad ideas in my head.

>Travis Bickle: Huh! Huh? Faster than you, fucking scum. Saw you coming you fucking… shitheel. I’m standing here; you make the move. You make the move. It’s your move… Don’t try it you fuck. You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talking… you talking to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? Oh yeah? Huh? OK.

>Betsy: Taking me to a place like this is about as exciting as saying to me “Let’s fuck.”

>Travis Bickle: Loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There’s no escape. I’m God’s lonely man.

>Travis Bickle: Let me tell you something. You’re in a hell, and you’re gonna die in a hell, just like the rest of ‘em!

>Travis Bickle: You got a .44 magnum?

>Travis Bickle: How’s everything in the pimp business?

>Travis Bickle: I realize now how much she’s just like the others, cold and distant, and many people are like that, women for sure, they’re like a union.

>Travis Bickle: Each night when I return the cab to the garage, I have to clean the cum off the back seat. Some nights, I clean off the blood.

>Travis Bickle: Twelve hours of work and I still can’t sleep. Damn. Days go on and on. They don’t end.

>Travis Bickle: I first saw her at Palantine Campaign headquarters at 63rd and Broadway. She was wearing a white dress. She appeared like an angel. Out of this filthy mess, she is alone. They… cannot… touch… her.

>Travis Bickle: I’ll tell you why. I think you’re a lonely person. I drive by this place a lot and I see you here. I see a lot of people around you. And I see all these phones and all this stuff on your desk. It means nothing. Then when I came inside and I met you, I saw in your eyes and I saw the way you carried yourself that you’re not a happy person. And I think you need something. And if you want to call it a friend, you can call it a friend.

Betsy: Are you gonna be my friend?

Travis Bickle: Yeah.

Betsy: You know what you remind me of?

Travis Bickle: What?

Betsy: That song by Kris Kristofferson.

Travis Bickle: Who’s that?

Betsy: A songwriter. ‘He’s a prophet… he’s a prophet and a pusher, partly truth, partly fiction. A walking contradiction.’

Travis Bickle: [uneasily] You sayin’ that about me?

Betsy: Who else would I be talkin’ about?

Travis Bickle: I’m no pusher. I never have pushed.

Iris: I don’t like what I’m doing, Sport.

Sport: Ah, baby, I don’t want you to like what you’re doing. If you like what you’re doing, then you won’t be my woman.

Travis Bickle: [Walks up to Sport] Hey Sport.

Sport: Hey, my man. Don’t I know you?

Travis Bickle: How’s life in the pimp business?

Sport: Don’t I know you?

Travis Bickle: Don’t I know you? You know Iris?

Sport: I don’t know Iris.

Travis Bickle: You don’t know anybody named Iris?

Sport: I don’t know nobody named Iris! Iris? Come man, go back to your own fucking tribe, before you get hurt. I don’t want any trouble.

Travis Bickle: You got a gun?

Sport: Get out of here! Get the fuck out of here!

[flicks his cigarette at him and kicks him]

Travis Bickle: Suck on this!

[pulls out a revolver and shoots Sport in the stomach, then walks away]

A-Z LIST OF URANIUM CAFE POSTS

QUOTES AND CHOICE VIDEO CLIP FROM ONE EYED JACKS

Uranium Willy — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:34:04 +0000

Bob: [referring to Rio's busted gun hand] It’s been six weeks. That hand ain’t gettin’ no better. I say we lay for Longworth with shotguns and then go rob that bank. Rio: Ambushin’ folks ain’t exactly my style, Bob. Bob: I’d say your style’s gettin’ a bit slow. We brought you along because you’re supposed to be the big man with the iron; but now, I think I could even out pull you. Rio: [Putting his hand on his gun butt] You’re probably right, Bob. You probably could get six into me by the time I get that one into you.
Deputy Lon Dedrick: You got a lot of guts, ain’t you kid? Rio: You’re the one with the gut Lon.
Longworth: You’ve been tryin’ to get yourself hung for the last fifteen years Kid. This time I think you might have made it.
Bob: What about Longworth? Rio: Nothin’ about him. In the mornin’ I’ll kill him and then we’ll rob that bank.
Rio: You may be a one eyed jack around here, but I’ve seen the other side of your face.
Deputy Lon Dedrick: You ain’t gettin’ no older than tomorrow.
[Longworth has tied up and whipped Rio] Rio: You better kill me. Longworth: No, there’s no need for that. [smashes Rio's gun hand with a shotgun butt] Longworth: Your gun days are over. Put him on a horse.
Louisa: You think that to kill him, will make you a man?Rio: Well, I don’t know ’bout that. But I know that I thought about him every day for five years. And that was the only thing that kept me going.
Bob: This is part that’s goin’ to tickle you; the sheriff in that town is named Dad Longworth.
[Rio has just bluffed his way out of jail with an empty pistol] Rio: Looky here, Lon; wasn’t loaded.
Bob: Harvey Johnson’s about to be a famous name in these parts. You’re about to be gunned down by a man named Rio.
[Modesto is attempting to stop Bob from double crossing Rio] Bob: I’m real disappointed in you, Modesto; pullin’ a gun on an old saddle pal like that. Chico: One more word and I will kill you! Bob: One more word, huh? Let me see if I can think of one. How about g-r-e-a-s-e-r? Greaser? [Modesto pulls his trigger and realizes that Bob has unloaded his gun during the night] Bob: Lookin’ for these, Modesto? (throws cartridges at him)Harvey: (laughing) Eat ‘em, greaser. Chico: (throws his gun at Bob) Banditos! Bob: You had a good life, Modesto. (shoots him)
Rio: Get up! Get up, you scum suckin’ pig!
Rio: I don’t know, Dad. You may not want me around too long. You may be retired from robbin’ banks, Dad; but I’m still in business.
[Bob and Harvey are watching Longworth whip Rio] Harvey: We better get down there and do something. Bob: Do something? Not this old horse; Longworth’s got enough shotguns down there to start a war. Besides, this might help get some of that snot-nose out of him.

VIDEO WAS DISABELD BY USER.

WILL SEE IF I CAN FIND A NEW ONE SOON.

A SELECTION OF QUOTES FROM ED WOOD JR’S CAMP CLASSIC PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE

Uranium Willy — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 10:36:43 +0000

Jeff Trent: Modern women. They’ve been like that all down through the ages. Especially in a spot like this.
Eros: You do not need guns.
Jeff Trent: Maybe we think we do.
Paula Trent: …A flying saucer? You mean the kind from up there?
Jeff Trent: Yeah, either that or its counterpart.
Paula Trent: Now, don’t you worry. The saucers are up there. The graveyard is out there. But I’ll be locked up safely in there.
Air Force Captain: Visits? That would indicate visitors.

Colonel Tom Edwards: This is the most fantastic story I’ve ever heard.
Jeff Trent: And every word of it’s true, too.
Colonel Tom Edwards: That’s the fantastic part of it.
Lieutenant John Harper: I’ll bet my badge that we haven’t seen the last of those weirdies.
[first lines]
Criswell: Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown… the mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you, the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are bringing you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony, of the miserable souls, who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places. My friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty. Let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts of grave robbers from outer space?
Criswell: [narrating] … All of us on this earth know that there is a time to live, and that there is a time to die. Yet death is always a shock to those left behind. It is even more of a shock when Death, the Proud Brother, comes suddenly without warning. Just at sundown, a small group gathered in silent prayer, around the newly-opened grave of the beloved wife of an elderly man. Sundown of the day; yet also the sundown of the old man’s heart, for the shadows of grief clouded his very reason… The funeral over, the saddened group left the graveside. It was when the gravediggers started their task that strange things began to take place.
Criswell: [narrating] At the funeral of the old man, unknown to his mourners, his DEAD WIFE was watching!
Gravedigger: You hear anything?
Gravedigger: Thought I did.
Gravedigger: Don’t like hearing noises, especially when there ain’t supposed to be any.
Gravedigger: Yeah, kinda spooky-like.
Gravedigger: Maybe we’re getting old.
Gravedigger: Well, whatever it is, it’s gone now.
Gravedigger: That’s the best thing for us too, gone.
Gravedigger: Yeah, let’s go.

Criswell: [narrating] … The grief from his wife’s death became greater and greater agony. The home they had so long shared became a tomb, a sweet memory of her joyous living. The sky to which he had once looked was now only a covering for her dead body. The ever-beautiful flowers she had planted with her own hands became nothing more than the lost roses of her cheeks. Confused by his great loss, the old man left that home… never to return again!
[brakes screech and the old man screams]
Detective: But one thing’s sure. Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody’s responsible.
Paula Trent: I’ve never seen you in this mood before.
Jeff Trent: I guess that’s because I’ve never been in this mood before.
Colonel Tom Edwards: Why is it so important that you want to contact the governments of our earth?
Eros: Because of death. Because all you of Earth are idiots.
Jeff Trent: J Now you just hold on, Buster.
Eros: No, you hold on. First was your firecracker, a harmless explosive. Then your hand grenade: you began to kill your own people, a few at a time. Then the bomb. Then a larger bomb: many people are killed at one time. Then your scientists stumbled upon the atom bomb, split the atom. Then the hydrogen bomb, where you actually explode the air itself. Now you can arrange the total destruction of the entire universe served by our sun: The only explosion left is the Solaranite.
Colonel Tom Edwards: Why, there’s no such thing.
Jeff Trent: I’m muzzled by army brass!
Jeff Trent: Ah, what’s the use of makin’ a fuss. Last night I saw a flyin’ object that couldn’t a possibly been from this planet, but I can’t talk about it. I’m muzzled by Army Brass. I can’t even admit I saw the thing!
Jeff Trent: They here, they’re a fact. And the Public oughta know about it!
Paula Trent: What friends?
Patrolman Kelton: …From all I’ve seen tonight, guns won’t do any good. Clay’s dead, and we buried him. How are we gonna kill someone who’s already dead? *Dead*! And yet there he stands!
Paula Trent: Now toddle off and fly your flying machine.
Colonel Tom Edwards: …Why, a particle of sunlight can’t even be seen or measured.
Eros: Can you see or measure an atom? Yet you can *explode* one. A ray of sunlight is made up of *many* atoms!
Jeff Trent: So what if we *do* develop this Solanite bomb? We’d be even a stronger nation than now.
Eros: [with disgust] Stronger. You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!
Jeff Trent: That’s all I’m taking from you!
[pistol-whips Eros upside the head]

Tanna: Eros, do we *have* to kill them?
Eros: Yes.
Tanna: It seems such a waste.
Eros: Well, wouldn’t it be better to kill a few now than, with their meddling, permit them to destroy the entire universe?
Tanna: You’re always right, Eros.
Eros: Of course. But those are not my words; those are the words of the Ruler.
Jeff Trent: You fiend.
Eros: I, a fiend? I am a soldier of our planet. I, a fiend? We did not come here as enemies.
Eros: It’s because of men like you that all must be destroyed.
Colonel Tom Edwards: You speak of Solaranite. But just what is it?
Eros: Take a can of your gasoline. Say this can of gasoline is the sun. Now, you spread a thin line of it to a ball, representing the earth. Now, the gasoline represents the sunlight, the sun particles. Here we saturate the ball with the gasoline, the sunlight. Then we put a flame to the ball. The flame will speedily travel around the earth, back along the line of gasoline to the can, or the sun itself. It will explode this source and spread to every place that gasoline, our sunlight, touches. Explode the sunlight here, gentlemen, you explode the universe. Explode the sunlight here and a chain reaction will occur direct to the sun itself and to all the planets that sunlight touches, to every planet in the universe. This is why you must be stopped. This is why any means must be used to stop you. In a friendly manner or as (it seems) you want it.
Lieutenant John Harper: He’s mad.
Tanna: Mad? Is it mad that you destroy other people to save yourselves? You have done this. Is it mad that one country must destroy another to save themselves? You have also done this. How then is it “mad” that one planet must destroy another who threatens the very existence-…
Eros: [shoves her roughly aside] That’s enough.
[to the humans]
Eros: In my land, women are for advancing the race, not for fighting man’s battles.
[On what that strange sound was]
Lieutenant John Harper: It was a saucer.
Patrolman: A flying saucer?
The Ruler: Plan 9? Ah, yes. Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long distance electrodes shot into the pineal and pituitary gland of the recently dead.
Colonel Tom Edwards: For a time we tried to contact them by radio but no response. Then they attacked a town, a small town I’ll admit, but never the less a town of people, people who died.”
Inspector Clay: I’m a big boy now, Johnny.
Criswell: My friend, you have seen this incident, based on sworn testimony. Can you prove that it didn’t happen?
Criswell: Perhaps, on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it… for they will be from outer space.
Jeff Trent: You promise you’ll lock the doors immediately?
Paula Trent: I promise. Besides, I’ll be in bed before a half hour’s gone… with your pillow beside me.
Jeff Trent: My pillow?
Paula Trent: Well, I have to have something to keep me company while you’re away. Sometimes in the night, when it does get a little lonely, I reach over and touch it. Then it doesn’t seem so lonely anymore.
Patrolman Larry: Well, that’s why you’re a detective, Lieutenant, and I’m still a uniformed officer.
General Roberts: [the General is explaining why a transmission from the aliens has been cut short] “Thats the end of that one. Atmospheric conditions in outer space often interfere with transmitting”
The Ruler: With your ancient, juvenile minds you have developed explosives too fast for your minds to conceive what you are doing. You are on the verge of destroying the entire universe. We are a part of that universe. This is our last…
[cuts off]

All quotes from IMDB

NOTE: More coming soon on Plan 9 from Outer Space, including an essay, home made video clips and gifs. I just re-watched this classic for the umpteenth time and was re-smitten with this thoroughly enjoyable text book example of camp and cult charm.

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